Chistes varios 5

Chistes copiados de varias fuentes, todos ellos en su idioma original.
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A un avión se le averió un motor en pleno vuelo, así que el piloto ordenó a la tripulación hacer que los pasajeros se abrocharan los cinturones y se prepararan para un aterrizaje forzoso. Dejó pasar unos minutos y preguntó a una azafata si ya estaban todos listos. Ésta respondió:
-Sí, todos, menos un abogado que sigue repartiendo sus tarjetas.
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"Cuando era niño jugaba mucho a la botella", cuenta un comediante. "Una niña la ponía a girar y, si al detenerse quedaba apuntando hacia ti, la niña podía darte un beso o cinco centavos. Cuando cumplí 14 años, ya tenía casa propia".
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Three candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test:

The Celibacy Test

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's "willy". In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

"Ting-a-ling"

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops

"Ting-a-ling"

"Timothy, Timothy," sighs the Monsignor, "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Off you go...take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing! She writhes up and down against his body. No response! Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

"Ting-a-ling"
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Sex and the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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Frog humor

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into a castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
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Maria

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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The Subway Ride

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, clothes unkempt, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. The priest became uncomfortable at the smell and appearance of his seatmate.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

In his annoyed state, the priest retorted "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be....." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, realizing the error of his comment, apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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Waiting at the Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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My Sins

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?

Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."

The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"

Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"

Tommy replies "No."

The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"

Tommy replies "No, father."

The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."